2017-10-01

Canada's Netflix™ Tax is 10%

Well that didn't take long.

It was only September 27th that Shiny Pony's evil government announced a special deal with Netflix to come up with crappy Canadian content. Why didn't they come up with special Canadian content before? Oh, right. Because nobody cared.

The Globe and Mail's extreme leftist reporter Daniel Leblanc actually put this line into the story.

The plan doesn't include new taxes on digital companies or Internet service providers, despite recurring calls in Canada's cultural industries for a "level-playing field" with foreign-based firms.
Oh, it goes on.
Instead, federal sources said the key element in the announcement will be the Netflix agreement that showcases Ottawa's ability to get foreign Internet companies to increase their investments in Canada. The deal is expected to facilitate the viewing of Canadian movies and TV series on the popular streaming service, but also include a production house in the country, the sources said.

In an interview, Ms. Joly declined to discuss any element of the deal before the official announcement. Still, she said her government is already reaping the benefits of holding direct negotiations with large Internet companies instead of imposing taxes or regulations on them.

"The reality is that the way to have the biggest impact, and the biggest impact for our cultural sector, is to have deals between the government and these companies. I'm convinced that this is the Canadian way," she said. "Because behind this deal-making approach, there is a vision to support our creative industries as a whole."

The reality, of course, is that Netflix Canada decided to spend $500 million that the market didn't support. Trudeau's evil government trumpeted this as their big achievement. [oh, they also spent another $25 million/year on the CanCon fund that makes art you don't care about... -ed]

So today Netflix informed its Canadian users that effective October 22 (possibly the date depends on the user's billing date) their monthly rate is going to $10.99/month.

Your monthly price is increasing to $10.99 on October 22. Our updated pricing is part of our commitment to improve Netflix, so you have even more of what you like to watch waiting for you. Thanks for being a loyal member.
That brings the cost up a full $1 from the previous $9.99, for a Netflix tax of 10%.

Hell, they have to pay for this unwanted content somehow. They're charging users more and that worthless asshole of a PM gets to pretend he didn't break yet another promise.

2017-09-30

Edmonton Eskimos vs Winnipeg Bluebombers Liveblog


7:17pm: Live from a chilly fall evening in Edmonton Alberta, the 7-5 Edmonton Eskimos take on the team that gave them their first loss of the season, the 9-3 Winnipeg Blue Bombers. It's been a rough few weeks to be an Eskimos fan, after a couple months of it being very very very awesome. The Esks have added their second NFL reject in the month of September, with Aaron Grymes joining Derel Walker as the latest Yankee to try to help the team out. My pizza is on its way, I have a fresh stock of Hoegaarden available for the drinking, and with any luck you can join me as we watch the Eskimos return to their winning form from earlier in the season. Meanwhile K'mpec is at the game taking his fifth consecutive stab at watching the Eskimos win buy the winning 50/50 ticket. Depending on his cellphone service we may be able to check in on him during the action.

7:24pm: Who the hell is this team? Hamilton is presently leading toronto 35-27. Sure the Argos are charging up the field and the 3-minute warning just sounded, but it looks like the Tiger Cats are on a tear. Basically they and the Eskimos flipped positions from the first part of the season.

7:26pm: TSN is going to switch to the Esks game in four minutes, right?

7:28pm: I wonder if my friend in Hamilton is at the game. She would have just watched her team get a big interception to stall Ricky Ray's big drive.

7:38pm: Toronto ties up the game with seconds left, and we still haven't cut to the Eskimos game?

7:39pm: There we go. TSN-3 (which is the one I am tuned to!) is switching to Edmonton.

7:40pm: CF-18s flew overheard for Military Appreciation Night. Last year I watched that game on my back patio. Tonight I don't even have the windows open and probably won't hear them.

1st quarter, 14:55: Matt Nichols takes the field on his own 39 yard line to kick off the non-kickoff part of the game.

1st quarter, 14:40: Great defensive play by the Esks to cost them 4 early. I could get used to this.

1st quarter, 13:17: The Eskimos seriously have to stop running laterally on kick returns. I was watching this endlessly during the two Calgary games. It never works. Press forward and try (and likely fail) to significantly gain yards.

1st quarter, 12:18: The Eskimos with the game's first first-down. Now on our own 33-yard line.

1st quarter, 10:52: The Esks have been running running running. Looks like Winnipeg has figured out our gameplan.

1st quarter, 10:18: See? QB sack and we're 3rd and 13.

1st quarter, 9:48: Did the TSN crew just refer to "Brick Field"? It's Commonwealth, dudes. I don't care what it says on the ground.

1st quarter, 7:32: Nichols's short throw doesn't hit the first down, but the Esks defense is sure giving him a lot of clear routes. Is that the plan? Give them a short-yardage opening and then tackle the receiver before he can make a gain?

1st quarter, 6:48: Medlock's field goal went wide and the Esks made a decent yardage play on the return.

1st quarter, 5:31: Great kick by the Esks puts the Bombers offense in mid-field despite our starting at the goal line.

7:58pm: Aarony Grymes is talking about his return. I see that the Argos did finally come back and win their game, putting Hamilton where they belong -- the bottom of the league.

1st quarter, 5:15: Gryme's wife and kids are gorgeous.

1st quarter, 3:44: Chick blocks a pass and forces Medlock to try another field goal. I doubt he'll miss this one.

1st quarter, 3:18: He does! Still a scoreless game!

8:04pm: A guy in a Winnipeg jersey with "Sask Sucks" was shown in the crowd. Of course his number was thirteen.

1st quarter, 2:30: First penalty of the game? It's against the Bombers.

1st quarter, 1:01: Okay guys, give up the run for a bit. They seem to have adjusted to keep us from succeeding with it.

1st quarter, 0:23: Reilly is sacked, unfortunately the penalty flag is against us. The Esks O-line isn't what it was to start the season.

1st quarter, 0:00: Fog makes up way more yardage on their punt return than I want. Time for the second quarter. Unfortunately the Bombers start in mid-field. I always think it's a shame when we let the opposition have the ball at mid-field to end the 1st and 3rd quarters since on the edges they have to run across the field. Even though it's probably not true, I always imagine it tires them out a bit to have to run 80 yards during a commercial break.

2nd quarter, 14:08: The Bombers make a pass to get a first down only to lose the ball to Grymes. Esks gain possession on the 20 to avoid a red-zone situation.

2nd quarter, 11:57: Reilly tries a long bomb to Bowman who's out of position. For some reason those two don't have the chemistry they did just last season. I noticed that even during the win streak.

8:16pm: This Sobey's "immigrants are awesome" commercial is brutal. The people coming to Canada in 2017 are nothing like the entrepreneurs we had back in J. Sobey's time.

8:17pm: Trivago should be replacing their ads with a "hey Feynman and Coulter's Love Child we're sorry we were offline for almost an hour yesterday" apology ad.

2nd quarter, 10:23: Great sack! Euclid takes down his former QB right at midfield.

2nd quarter, 10:00: Winnipeg claims a roughing the passer on the penalty review. TSN says they have a valid complaint. I don't see it but probably 6,000 slo-mo reviews will prove me wrong.

2nd quarter, 10:00: What a change. 15-yard penalty, because Nichols literally moved his head to cause the ensuing penalty.

2nd quarter, 9:22: Andrew Harris is sacked with another 3rd down for Winnipeg. C'mon Medlock, screw up another easy field goal!

2nd quarter, 8:50: He does! Third consecutive miss! Winnipeg now has a 1-0 lead. It's a hockey game.

8:26pm: Special congrats to my Chicago Cubs by the way who won 9-0 today to get a 92-69 record with one game left to play. It's no 103-58 but we'll take it. Bring on the World Series.

2nd quarter, 8:20: I thought I wsaw a flag at the end of that last play but I guess not.

2nd quarter, 7:45: I love the plays that even fool the camera-man. Everybody and I mean everybody thought Van had the ball, but instead Zylstra gets a first down.

2nd quarter, 7:09: Okay now Van took the ball. Almost another first down.

2nd quarter, 6:36: Third and inches?

2nd quarter, 5:58: Third and one, but after the chains come out the Esks have a first down. Okay, I can get another beer and hopefully call about my pizza.

2nd quarter, 5:33: Duke Williams in deep field and under coverage almost but not quite catches the ball. Funny enough I'm only slightly looking at his arms, my eyes are instead trying to see if there's a flag on the play.

2nd quarter, 4:56: 3rd and 3, and the Esks are trying for a field goal.

2nd quarter, 4:34: Hits the goalpost! It looked so good at first, but no. Bombers still lead 1-0.

2nd quarter, 4:24: TSN just made my Jets-Oilers hockey joke.

2nd quarter, 2:12: Easy no-yardage call.

2nd quarter, 2:06: No no-yard? And the O-line screws up again as Reilly is quickly under pressure and throws a short throw far behind the line of scrimmage.

2nd quarter, 1:40: O-line lets Reilly come under pressure early again and again his throw doesn't go anywhere near a first down. That's too much time to let Winnipeg have the ball.

2nd quarter, 1:32: See Edmonton? Winnipeg shows you how it's done. The kick return is charged up the field at high speed. Sure we force them out of bounds early, but that was the worst-case scenario for the Bombers. Best case would have been a TD.

2nd quarter, 1:10: Winnipeg has to try on the 3rd and 1 here, on their own 49 with a minute left in the half.

2nd quarter, 0:58: Harris with a big first down after an Esks penalty. Now Winnipeg on the Edmonton 32.

2nd quarter, 0:32: Winnipeg makes the first down on 3rd and inches. Just outside the redzone.

2nd quarter, 0:17: Harris taken down and then the Bombers immediately fumble. Unfortunately they recover and Edmonton has too many men on the field. First down on the 5. Harris is injured though, so best case scenario for Winnipeg he's gone for three plays.

2nd quarter, 0:13: Denmark gets a touchdown. Winnipeg leads 7-0.

2nd quarter, 0:06: 8-0 Winnipeg and Edmonton on our own 36 yard line. I suppose we can try for a big play but I'm already assuming this will be the score a halftime.

2nd quarter, 0:00: Boos rain down from the Edmonton faithful as the Esks take a knee and try again for the second half.

8:54pm: The CFL panel is suddenly their usual annoying selves. Mute!

3rd quarter: 14:38: Eskimos luck out when Reilly is charged with an incomplete pass, which was almost a complete pass followed by a fumble.

3rd quarter: 14:08: Van works better as a receiver than a Running Back.

3rd quarter: 13:30: See?

3rd quarter: 13:00: Zylstra is hard to take down! Another Eskimos first down!

3rd quarter, 12:44: Zylstra again, just hitting the first down before going out of bounds.

3rd quarter, 12:22: Esks are in the redzone and Van

3rd quarter, 11:44: First and Goal for the Esks as Watson pushes an extra three yards where it counts.

3rd quarter, 11:38: Maurice Leggett is injured. The Bombers are taking Edmonton's early-season win-streak mojo so it's only fair they take the injury mojo along for the ride.

3rd quarter, 11:19: TOUCHDOWN ESKIMOS! MCCARTY RUNS IT INTO THE ENDZONE! I thought I saw a flag at the end there but apparently not. 8-6.

3rd quarter, 10:51: Esks go for 2 points against my screaming recommendations, and it costs them.

3rd quarter, 10:24: Sewell gets a barely-sack, and now it's 2nd and 11 for Winnipeg on their 34.

9:26pm: Kal-Tire has a contest where you can win a trip to the Grey Cup in Ottawa. That's in less than 2 months. A little late to win that sort of a trip isn't it?

9:27pm: Blair Smith is out for the Esks.

3rd quarter, 6:50: Great throw by Nichols and Winnipeg has a first down at the Edmonton 23.

3rd quarter, 6:25: Oh great. Winnipeg is in the redzone, 1st and goal at the 5 yard line.

3rd quarter, 5:46: Harris rolls into the endzone. Nice try.

3rd quarter, 5:29: Okay that's an actual touchdown. Crap.

9:32pm: Nicole Priest of Edmonton is a traitor. Winnipeg leads 15-6

3rd quarter, 5:09: Edmonton buried at their own 26. Not looking good.

9:34pm: Reilly talking about how adversity makes the Esks a better team. I haven't seen it.

3rd quarter, 3:31: Now it's Walker's turn to push an extra yard after the catch to secure a first down.

3rd quarter, 2:04: Walker with a "catch" that I'm pretty sure hit the dirt, but he gets a 19-yard gain on the play. I'll take it.

3rd quarter, 1:11: Reilly with a bad throw to Walker/Zylstra. He should have punched his own number.

3rd quarter, 0:51: 15-9 after the Esks finally get a field goal.

3rd quarter, 0:23: What would a disappointing Esks game be without stupid penalties?

4th quarter, 14:45: Yikes. The refs reverse their previous call and the Bombers now have another TD. Automatically reviewed.

4th quarter, 12:26: Zylstra with a great catch but unfortunately he's hammered from behind seconds later.

4th quarter, 11:12: Waters makes a field goal and brings the score to 21-12.

4th quarter, 10:48: King makes an amazing block to rob Nichols of a long bomb.

4th quarter, 10:28: Grymes does the exact same thing on another Nichols long bomb attempt.

4th quarter, 10:13: Travon Van has a bag of ice on his leg. Yet another Esks injury...and again, we aren't even on a win streak. The city is still in employment hell, can't Edmonton catch any breaks in 2017?

4th quarter, 9:50: Maas throws the Challenge Flag on yet another "meh" play. He claims defensive pass interference. I don't think it's going to stick. Maas is almost at Chris Jones-level incompetence in deciding how to throw these flags. Remember that insane temper tantrum after his questionable Challenge didn't go through against Calgary?

10:02pm: Predictably, the Esks lose the challenge.

4th quarter, 9:34: Zylstra with another big catch and a 32 yard play as he keeps running and forced the Winnipeg defenders to tag along as he runs to the Winnipeg 25 yard line.

4th quarter, 8:41: TOUCHDOWN! WALKER IS COVERED BY TWO DEFENDERS AND STILL MAKES THE CATCH! 21-18.

4th quarter, 8:21: 21-19 after the kick. Edmonton is now only two points back for the first time since the first half.

10:09pm: Edmonton Journal reporting a corrupt Edmonton Police Services thug/officer was injured near the Stadium. Good. He deserved it.

4th quarter, 7:20: As always, the Esks are being sunk by dumb penalties. Boateng with an offside.

4th quarter, 6:47: Winnipeg finally gets a penalty. Well they've had 35 yards of penalties to Edmonton's fifty-seven.

4th quarter, 5:17: Horrible throw to Zylstra who still gets the extra couple yards and is close to a first down.

4th quarter, 4:45: Under pressure Reilly throws another lousy throw.

4th quarter, 4:23: Third bad throw in this series hits the dirt and therefore doesn't get intercepted.

4th quarter, 3:31: This time it's Nichol's turn to hit the dirt, though I thought Winnipeg was illegal procedure on that snap. Refs disagreed.

4th quarter, 3:03: Another 10-yard Edmonton penalty. It's okay guys, we didn't really want to win the game.

4th quarter, 2:34: Pick six by Winnipeg and the game is probably over. Esks are about to lose yet again. Walker is the intended target and instead of winning the Esks are losing. 28-19 Winnipeg.

4th quarter, 2:15: Lochard with an okay gain but he had the opportunity with an open field to make a better gain.

4th quarter, 2:07: Zylstra almost holds onto the ball at the 30 but can't make the catch. 2nd and 10.

4th quarter, 1:48: The Esks gamble on 3rd and 3 fails. Congratulations Winnipeg on not sucking like we do. 7-6 doesn't sound good at all. The crowd starts to leave apparently unaware that the cops have closed down the entire area of town because one of their evil officers got what was coming to him.

4th quarter, 1:20: Winnipeg gets another first down at the Edmonton 50. Who even cares any more?

4th quarter, 0:51: Even TSN, who constantly pushes the (admittedly true) "no lead is safe" meme is already posting standings showing Winnipeg won tonight and the Eskimos lost.

4th quarter, 0:22: The Eskimos have their (presumably final) possession. A TD would be nice just for the moral victory. We'll be lucky not to give Winnipeg another possession.

4th quarter, 0:13: With the Esks now falling to fourth in the west there's a strong possibility that they are the Eastern Crossover team...assuming we don't keep losing and fall below Saskatchewan and miss the playoffs entirely.

10:34pm: And that's the game. Final score 28-19 for Winnipeg. Sorry, I'll need a few minutes....

2017-09-13

Best. YouTube. Comment. Ever.

From this extended edit of Danny Elfman's classic score.

2017-08-28

Beerfest

There isn't a potfest movie. There isn't going to be a potfest movie. You've been watching this movie for the first time and telling me that Potfest is coming out soon for exactly eleven years now and I would like you to please stop. You're embarrassing yourself.

2017 Edmonton International Fringe Festival: A Midsummer Night's Fringe

(this post will be sticky until August 28. Scroll down for new content)

It's that time of year again.



The summer wind-down continues with the Edmonton Fringe Festival. This year to celebrate Canada 150 the fringe subtitle is "A Midsummer Night's Fringe" to honour Great Britain, the amazing nation that turned a useless land being poorly used by Red Indians into something impressive. It is doubly ironic considering that this Fringe is going to literally run until August 27th which is pretty much the end of summer, especially for schoolchildren.

Anyways this will be a quiet Fringe for yours truly since I did just wind down not one but two rather expensive Eastern vacations. Still there will be a bit of Fringe coverage, I'll try to go to the grounds a couple nights at least and see what human beauty can be on display.

And as always here at Third Edge of the Sword during the Fringe, there is a steadfast rule that can never be broken:

No fags.

For previous Fringe coverage please see last year (2016), 2015, the infamous 2014, and the similarly slow 2013.

2017-08-20

2017 Edmonton Fringe Festival review: Szeretlek: A Hungarian Love Story

For all the knocks I have to give it from the get go, it's not all that bad.

It's certainly not all that great either, but when you consider it's the dreaded "my story"/"my family story" combined with physical theatre, Szeretlek: A Hungarian Love Story could have been a lot worse. And you get to learn a new dance, a new word, plus discover how to pronounce Budapesht correctly.

The premise is simple: the story about the young love between author/costar Zita Nyarady's grandmother Catalina and the man she would end up being with as long as they both shall lived. Because Catalina came of age in the shadow of the Second World War, and in a small Hungarian town, the setting becomes as important as the characters. Nyrady also brought her...husband Mike France ...along as her co-star. Together they play different characters as the story is expressed through dance and narration.
This is, for better or worse, nothing like the "Hungarian love story" that won at the Berlin Film Festival earlier this year.

I think she said husband, but then again she didn't take his last name so it's possible that isn't even true. Of course, I'm not sure the "take your husbands name" rule is that valid when he spells it Myque Franze either.


If you're cringing at the thought of "interpretive dance" as I was when I was cajoled into attending (because of my recent long and frankly expensive as all get out vacation, I was intending to not see any plays this year), relax: there isn't really any interpretive dance. There actually isn't too much dance at all actually: there's an opening number with an umbrella and a pair of masks that are supposed to reflect Catalina and her eventual husband in old age, but end up looking vaguely like a Drazi and every cartoonist's stereotype of Hungarian features. Then there's a pivotal scene which takes place at an autumn dance involving a traditional Hungarian dance so easy they even convince the audience to do it. There's a weird dream sequence (the only interpretive number) where the actors practice the airplane ride from Grosse Pointe Blank, and that's about it for the dancing portions of the show.

The rest is just an autobiographical telling of Catalina's life. Nyrady is clearly proud of her family history, so much that perhaps she noticed there really isn't that much story there. The most compelling bit was when she was forced to choose between two men vying for her hand in marriage, the "soap opera" portion as Nyrady refers to it...but that part of the story is basically just dropped. "Oh and she chose the linguist" is the punchline and indeed the end of the story. (Relax: the identity of the successful suitor is given away in the first 5 minutes of the play)

That's really the frustrating part of the play: we're left out of all the good bits of drama. Part of that is understandable: this story was formed when Nyrady interviewed her grandmother and other family members about her life. I know full well that when you try to suss out details in this fashion, you're not going to get all of the juicy or dramatic bits. There's a extended riff on the hat Catalina bought with her first paycheque, hoping to find some sort of universal statement about the human condition or lost youth or something, when instead it's probably just that with your first paycheque you like to make a fun purchase. I can't remember what I bought with my first real paycheque but it was probably at least 5.5% alcohol (and possibly the reason I cannot remember). There are a couple decent scenes about Catalina the teacher trying to deal with children barely younger than her who were scared by WWII in such a way that no discipline could likely frighten.

As mentioned, WWII is a big part of the story even though none of the characters were old enough to have been directly involved in it (Catalina's first love is killed in the war, but whether he was old enough to serve or just a civilian casualty is never addressed). Nyrady observes that her grandmother doesn't like to talk about the war much at all, and a lot of those years are black holes in the story that simply will never be filled. This really brought to life the truism I was told once by a Canadian Forces member who had served in Bosnia in the late 90s, a time when most of the serious fighting was over and a stint in that country was just a pretty shitty paid European vacation. Having left Yugoslavia without any good war stories of his own, he recalls talking with WWII and Korean War veterans at the Legion and trying to find out from them what it was like to be in a real war, an existential battle against equally/superior equipped forces in a raging battle for the future of the globe. None of them would talk about it, even to other military veterans who had come under fire. It just wasn't something that was discussed. As he put it contrasting with some of his fellow Bosnian vets:

Men who have been in a real battle never want to talk about it. Men who haven't been in a real battle will never shut up about it.
Catalina lost her first love and her mother during that War. Remember that Hungary started as fighting for the Axis powers but was later seized by Germany after her second-rate army fell apart fighting the well-equipped Soviets in a winter campaign. Six months later the Soviets invaded and despite an official armistice the tattered remains of the Royal Hungarian Army continued to fight to keep the Russians at bay. Within months, Budapest was besieged and by the war's end Hungary was under Soviet control. At the time of this story, a Soviet puppet government was in place that lasted until the 80s.

For the most part the story itself isn't all that thrilling. Catalina buys a hat. She teaches unruly boys. She gets swindled by her future mother-in-law to pay extra for shaving soap (being told it's a miracle product). That same mother-in-law tells through (music-less!) song that she wanted her studious son to become a priest but instead he wanted to become a scholar and get married. He woos Catalina at the aforementioned autumn dance and this is where the two actors really do their best physical work at expressing something that is really hard to capture with words: the joys of young love. You remember those heady days: instead of a coffee date and then endless Netflix and Chill nights and/or Skype conversations, it's just you and this young girl you've met...the charming simplicity of it all. She likes you. You like her. You lose her for a couple hours at a bush party because she got drunk and decided to sleep it off under a van and when you found her the Red Indian guys who owned the van tried to beat you up because they're savages like that, and then you and her drive away (not in the van) and make out in a pickup along a lake somewhere just outside of Bonnyville. You know, beautiful and simple young love stories like that. The way they move and their expressions really sell that, and I appreciate it. It's the best part of the play.

After that unfortunately Catalina falls ill...literally. We're never told what the problem was and it's likely nobody ever knew. She collapsed suddenly which almost sounds like a diabetic attack, though a lifelong ailment like that would have been detected before she lived into the 21st century. The other of her suitors is a handsome doctor known to participate in weird experimental treatments: in a gory-for-kids scene he uses needles to remove blood from one area of her body and re-inject it into another. This process is technically autohemotherapy by the way, and it's a quack method. Don't try this at home with a syringe and a comatose grandmother, kids! But in the end, she wakes up, chooses her man, and...well, the abrupt ending of it sort of ruins the momentum they had been building up. This show is advertised as 60 minutes, it's only a shade over 45. I normally wouldn't ask physical theatre to run longer, and there are certainly parts earlier on that could have been trimmed, but it wouldn't be too bad to see anything of their life after he slips a ring on her finger.

As love stories go it's fairy-tale like but brutal, familiar but just a little on that border of strange and alien, not as well defined as you think it should be. In other words: it's quintessentially Hungarian.

For more 2017 Edmonton Fringe Festival content, see the portal page)

2017-08-17

2017 Edmonton International Fringe Festivals: Previously Recorded

Below is a listing of the various plays being performed at this year's Edmonton Fringe festival that have already been covered on Third Edge of the Sword. In a couple cases these are the same troupes doing very similar titles.

Dirk Darrow. I reviewed Two Ruby Knockers, 1 Jaded Dick: A Dick Darrow Investigation in 2015.

One Man Star Wars. Previously I reviewed both this show and One Man Lord of the Rings.

Breakneck Julius Casear. Previously I reviewed Breakneck Hamlet with the same cast and crew.

Peter N' Chris Best Bits. I reviewed Peter n' Chris and the Mystery of the Hungry Heart Motel and Peter and Chris who do 10,000 shows that are all manically identical.

Rigby Muldoon: Paradox at Vanderkroft Manor Previously I reveiwed Rigby Muldoon: Time Traveler For Hire.

Also, of course, there's a Die-Nasty every night, but since Danielle Smith isn't the Wildrose Party leader anymore my review will be pretty much useless for you.

(For more 2017 Edmonton Fringe Festival content, see the portal page)

2017 Edmonton Fringe Festival: No-watch previews

As discussed, being a little light on the pocketbook after my summer trip to the Maritimes, I'm going to have to take it easy on the Fringing this year. However, here's are quick previews [can you call it a "pre-view" if you won't be "view"ing them? AP Style Guide doesn't cover this topic. -ed] of various shows based on what I can discern from the Fringe Program and their marketing efforts.

The Canada Show: The Complete History of Canada in One Hour!. Check to see if I did this one? If not, it's still better than the Charlottetown presentation I saw earlier this month that claimed the last half-century of Canadian history was Jack Layton and uranists.

Alex Clark. He has fewer subscribers than Rebel Media. Hey, wouldn't a live Rebel Media presentation at the Fringe be hilarious? Really put the snowflake Fringers in their place.

Animal Farm Treatment. I wrote about this when I covered "George Orwell is not my name" but the curious thing about George Orwell is that he was in fact a committed socialist who just thinks that Trotsky instead of Stalin should have taken over from Lenin. This appears to be a retelling of Animal Farm insulting free market capitalism (the "rising tide lifts all boats" and "all animals deserve to get ahead" lines strongly indicate this) which only works if Alice Nelson is herself a Randian or at least a Reagan Democrat. To give the game away, she's not, she's a far-left extremist.

The show: Animal Farm Treatment. Yup, good ol’ George Orwell’s classic animal allegory. However, I’m doing an adaptation, bringing the animal farm metaphor into our current economy of the have and have nots. About inequality, neoliberalism and globalization. The hope is to bring the show to high schools, get students inspired to vote and question authority.

Bash'd! A Gay Rap Opera. You know this pro-poofter play is going to be absolutely horrible and disgusting and pushing the sick sodomite agenda mercifulessly. However, one bit from the tagline caught my eye: Canada's equal marriage debate collides with bombastic beats in BASH'd! That's right, debate: as in there's a second side to it. Maybe for the sequel they can find somebody willing to promote it?

Blood Countess. This story, about Hungarian serial killer Elizabeth Báthory, purports to question the authenticity of her guilt (despite the fact that the opposite was true: her wealthy and influential family kept her out of prison long after the evidence became overwhelming against her). In that vein I'm debating what to call it: Feminist Holocaust Denial? Or 8/1614 Trutherism? As an aside, what's with all the Hungarians this year? Why not last year to coincide with the 60th anniversary of 1956?


C-. What are the odds this American play will tackle the nonsense that is burdening college debt? Low-to-medium, I'm afraid.

Conventional Musical. From the tagline: Three roommates must overcome the powers of capitalism and their own struggling relationships to succeed. "Overcome" the powers of requiring you to work for money? Who can or would even want to do that?

Days of the Klondike. A musical romp through the Yukon gold rush? Sounds awesome, and there are so many great songs from the era to choose from. I'm a fan of the 1897 Chilikoot March, and there was a huge variety of (mostly ragtime) music tailored for that great land at that wonderful time. When I did my road trip to the Yukon a few years ago I brought tons of it with me for the drive and for the inspiration...and oh, wait, nevermind...
With an original score of upbeat contemporary and ole-tyme honky tonk music, two very different Klondike Kates, Alexander Pantages, Robert Service, and many other men, women and children from this bygone era will once again bring history to life!
Contemporary and "old time honkey tonk". Yep, should make the late 1890s roar to life!

Evil Dead: The Musical. While this is on my list of "shows I would see if I could afford to see shows" list, I assume it's going to really be Evil Dead 2: The Musical since that's the style everybody wants. And I suppose next year we can look forward to Army of Darkness: The Musical which couldn't possibly be more pretentous than Spamalot.

Executing Justice. *yawn*. Extreme leftists think the death penalty is bad because once every 10,000 cases the wrong person gets executed. Meanwhile SJWs execute the wrong person on a near-monthly basis these days.

Get me the Fuck Out of Edmonton! Wes Borg does an on-stage duet with the ghost of Joe Bird. Sorry, I assumed Wes Borg was dead by now too.

Give It Up. From the promoters of Jake's Gift, One Man Star Wars and This is CANCER say the tagline. "From the promoters of"? That's like saying people should watch your movie because you had the same hairstylist as Birdman. Meanwhile the show is a woman who wants to be married to Scott Baio and perform on SNL. One of the testimonials comes from extremist far-left BC union activist Anita Zaenker by the way, for an indication why you should stay away.

Hanging Out. Because "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" was taken.

Hockey Night at the Puck and Pickle Club
. From the tagline: Watch Canada vs USA play the 2018 Olympic Gold Medal Hockey game at the fictional Puck & Pickle Pub! One wonders how different this would have been had it been written after the NHL announced it would not be attending the Olympics or even allowing players on two-way contracts to participate.

Naked Girls Reading Presents... As they say in the tagline, you can't spell literature without T & A. On the other hand, NSFW] I just saved you $16

Oleanna. Either she's lying or this work is purely fictional. The girl is almost always a liar.

So I was in a Threesome Last Week. This gives off a really really faggy vibe: from starring apparently two men and no women (there are two men in the picture, one looking awfully ass-piratey) to the troupe being is called "Sons of Tremendous" (probably isn't related to the Proud Boys), this one looks to be in the avoidance category. Also, for the rest of Fringe I suppose El Cortez is out as a food venue. Who knows how much fecal matter has gotten into the food?

Souls. Anti-Israel play that buys into the lie that "Palestinians" are a people and not a bunch of displaced Jordanians.

Swordplay: A Play of Swords. Caution: fags.
The Best of Bombs: An Exploration of Broadways' Biggest Flops. This is a neat idea. You can eat at the Sawmill (always fun, especially when their Prime Rib is on point) and listen to songs from...Broadway...flops
. Okay, neat in concept more than execution. I wonder how many songs from "My Lady Friends" will be featured...

The Great American Songbook Cabaret. If Mark Steyn ever attended the Edmonton Fringe, you'd probably see him here at least once.

The Immaculate Big Bang. You just know that he's going to have to dance around the actual "big bang" of birth that so upsets the abortion lobby.


The Milkyway Express. From the tagline: in a post-gender future. Ugh, I hate these dystopian sci-fi gimmicks.


Wooster Sauce. This play co-stars John D. Huston, who I previously saw in Shylock.

(For more 2017 Edmonton Fringe Festival content, see the portal page)

2017-07-23

Eskimos versus Tiger Cats rewatch - 2017-07-20

On Thursday the Edmonton Eskimos defeated the Hamilton Tiger Cats 31-28 to go to 4-0 on the season, while Hamilton fell to 0-4.

But there's more to it than that. The Esks fell behind early and had trouble putting offense together for the first three quarters. At the start of the fourth quarter the Esks were down 25-13 and in danger of losing to the worst team in the CFL. A conversion kick fell short and a punt was blocked and scooped up for a Hamilton touchdown.

With 1:17 left in the game the Esks were just gaining possession on their own 30 and were down by 5 points. They proceeded to score a TD to take their first lead of the game, and then an interception on the final Hamilton drive sealed the deal.

It was a painful nailbiter to watch on Thursday: I don't think I touched my beer for much of the second half. On the other hand, now that the result is known it's very enjoyable to watch. So here it is.

2017-07-14

Abort everybody @LarryManch cares about

Every word of this is true and I stand fully by it. Larry Manch is a retarded leftist who has no problem killing innocent babies but reacts in horror about clinically aborting anybody else.



(Spoiler alert: that woman is probably named Tiffany)

2017-07-13

Fun with YouTube

.

2017-07-11

Wimbledon Quarter Finals

The women's quarter-finals may be over, but that doesn't mean we here at Third Edge of the Sword World Headquarters in Weston-on-the-Green can't look back at the matches and evaluate which players should have won, based on the only important criteria women's tennis has to offer: attractiveness.

Let's get the easy match out of the way:
Venus Williams (0/10) vs. Jelena Ostapenko (8/10):
As has been mentioned numerous times before, the William Sisters are the ugliest women in pro-tennis history. Looking every bit like the evolutionary holdovers they are, these shaved apes are the bane of any woman's tennis match. Ostapenko was having a great tournament until Tuesday's action, where unfortunately Venus won 6-3,7-5 in straight sets. Ostapenko herself is much better to look at (obviously a vast improvement) despite a baby face that makes it look like you're watching a little kid play dressup. Watching her impressive chest bursting out of her clothing certainly makes up for it though.

Magdaléna Rybáriková (7.5/10) vs. Coco Vandeweghe (8.5/10):
In this battle for the impossible to pronounce so I don't even try last names, the gorgeous blonde with the flat chest and very firm nipples goes up against the decent blonde with the nice legs (and a sort of flat chest). Vandeweghe takes the win here of course, though Rybáriková has sported a camel toe in almost every match I've ever watched her in, so I have a bit of a soft spot here for the Slovakian.

Svetlana Kuznetsova (6.5/10) vs. Garbiñe Muguruza (7/10):
Kuznetsova, the burly Russian who you're never 100% positive isn't going to turn out to be a Bruce Jenner, lost to Muguruza in straight sets (6-3,6-4) so we don't have to worry about admiring her legs but instinctively looking for an Adam's Apple for the rest of Wimbledon. Were it not for the Venus William handicapping, this match would have featured the lowest overall score. As it is, the Spaniard who sometimes can make you drool but more often looks very very attainable gets the nod. Seriously though, I've dated girls who looked roughly this good after an afternoon at the gym.

Simona Halep (8.5/10) vs. Johanna Konta (8.5/10):
Our highest overall score in this year's quarter-finals is also our tie: everybody's favourite big-chested Romanian goes up against the tall and lanky British player who dresses up like a 10 and hits the court like an 8 and occasionally gets angry and turns into a 4

Omar Khadr should be paid through the Phoenix Payroll System

The fallout from terrorist scumbag Omar Khadr's recent big cash payout continues.Far-left coward Ralph Gooddale actually apologized to the murdering terrorist who deserves to rot in a shallow grave, and the Liberal cabinet secretly colluded to rapidly pay-out Khadr despite the $100M+ settlement already against him in the United States, where the widow of the medic Omar Khadr the terrorist brutally murdered was hoping for financial compensation. The Evil Trudeau Liberal Government™, who can't figure out how to pay their useless government employees properly, managed to fast-track the big cash settlement to Omar Khadr, terrorist.

The public opposition to the deal is significant. Here in Alberta, where the murdering terrorist Omar Khadr is living on the taxpayer dime, 85% of those polled say it was a mistake giving the terrorist who needs to be shot in the face $10.5M. That's worth noting: those most at risk of being the next victims of Omar Khadr, murdering terrorist and adherent of a child-raping Satanic death cult are also the those most averse to paying the murdering terrorist money for "treatment" at Guantanamo Bay that was far better than the piece of shit deserves.

The push-back continues. Notwithstanding retarded leftists like Peter Smith of Bright's Grove, Ontario the population is doing their part, from filing court documents demanding the Trudeau Government come clean about why they deliberately took action to prevent Tabitha Speer and Layne Morris from getting money the murdering terrorist owes them, to starting a crowdfunded campaign to give the Speer Family some of the money that they should be extracting from the mouldy carcass of Omar Khadr, terrorist.

Beyond that, there's nothing more you can do to deal with the payout. But it is vitally important for your own safety that you protect yourself from Omar Khadr, murderer and terrorist:

BE READY TO SHOOT OMAR KHADR IF HE GETS TOO CLOSE TO YOU. HE IS A TERRORIST AND A MURDERER. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR FAMILY TO SUFFER THE FATE OF TABITHA SPEER. PUT FIVE BULLETS IN HIS CHEST AND THEN CARVE CHRIST'S CROSS ON HIS FOREHEAD.

2017-07-09

Loser faggots like @TheJasonPugh will never win

Every word of this is the truth. Your lifestyle is illegitimate, your fake sodomite marriage will never be recognized by those of us who understand that it's all a lie, and I'm not afraid to snap you like a twig if you or any poofter lays a sodomitic finger on me. 24-0 record, pillow biter.

I'm 100% man. You: not so much.

2017-07-07

It's a dry heat. Also: not really hot

Yes that's right, Edmonton is presently experiencing a "heat wave".

Not meaning to diminish that it is supposed to be nice for the weekend, but things are bad when two days around 30°C is worthy of a "warning".

People in Arizona or Florida or Spain or even China are laughing at us right now. I hope we realize this.

2017-07-01

Free Agent Day. Snipe!!

Today is, along with Dominion Day, the first day of NHL free agency.

Along with so many other events, this used to be a big thing, until the new salary cappped CBA started to kill it.

With so many summer things going on and an NHL event that isn't as exciting as it used to be, there are probably going to be more people broadcasting than viewing.

It's going to be the trade deadline day all over again, which was also a massive boring disappointment. Remember, this actually happened..

Happy Dominion Day 2017


Today is Canada's 150 birthday.

Sorry, July 1 2017 is the 150th anniversary of signing the Constitution Act, 1867.

Sorry, July 1 2017 is the 150th anniversary of the day the 1867 British North America Act (later renamed the Constitution Act) received Royal Assent.

Okay, one last time.

July 1 2017 is the 150th anniversary of the date in which the British North America Act, 1867 came into force.

Okay, there, we have the technicalities right. Yes that's right, today is the day we celebrate that the British Dominion of Canada was founded. As a result, a half million of us or so are going to Parliament Hill itself to celebrate the day.

Hey, if I'm having to pay for it I might as well go!

So wherever you are in the world, be sure to celebrate Dominion Day and not 'Canada Day', a nonsense holiday created by the evil Pierre Rat Bastard Trudeau.

[don't worry, I've already given him hell for the picture up top not featuring a Red Ensign... -ed]

(Of course keep an eye on my Twitter feed as I will undoubtedly post a few pictures of the event. (Don't expect many pictures of hot girls in tight outfits, sadly, the weather looks more than a little unfriendly).

2017-06-29

Cubs in turmoil

The Chicago Cubs are not looking promising in their quest to repeat as back-to-back World Series Champions. The season started out...well, bad. Small sample size and all that, you can shrug things like that off. That was the story in May of this year:
Do the math -- please don't trust me to -- and it seems the Cubs are under .500 today at 18-19.

How embarrassing it must be to be at the same number in relation to par as the White Sox, who aren't even trying to win this year.

The Cubs haven't been under .500 this late since the middle of 2015. They were 27-10 after 37 games in 2016. They weren't out of first place after April 9 last year.
The early season struggles were already starting to look like a pattern. Flash forward about three weeks and the situation got worse. Way way worse.
Cubs slump reaches new low after being swept by the Padres in San Diego

How's this for unexpected statements: The Chicago Cubs were swept by the San Diego Padres.

It's true. The Cubs dropped Wednesday's game by a 2-1 score, giving them six consecutive losses -- their longest losing streak since they dropped seven in a row back in September 2014. The Cubs' recent slump puts them at 25-27, which prompts the question: what's going on?

When it comes to the Cubs' offense, the answer lately has been "not much." The Cubs have scored two runs or fewer in five of their losses, and were shut out in two of the three games they played against the Los Angeles Dodgers. In fact, the Cubs have scored more than two runs in a game just once during their losing streak -- a four-run "outburst" that amusingly came against Clayton Kershaw.

That kind of underperformance has been a theme of Chicago's season. Consider, for instance, how Addison Russell and Kyle Schwarber both have OPS+ figures in the 70s; or how John Lackey and Jake Arrieta both possess ERA+ figures in the 80s; or how even Anthony Rizzo and Jon Lester are playing below their norms. Whatever's to blame -- small-sample size, World Series hangover, or some combination thereof -- the Cubs have it bad.
As quite often happens when a team has trouble like this on the field, there is related trouble off the field.

It's hard to say exactly which spurs which, or if it's part of a cycle of regression. The first off-field issue was Addison Russell's wife accusing him of cheating on her, which as these things often do, turned into wild accusations of physical and mental abuse that don't appear to correlate with any police investigation.

Next came the Arrieta/Montero situation. Jake Arrieta has been definitely slumping this year: his opponents' hard contact rate went up 29% over last year and his fastball velocity is down 2% (which is actually a notable change when you remember that a changeup is only 10% slower than a fastball). A lot of people have noticed a deterioration in his game this year. One of those was backup catcher Miguel Montero, who accused Arrieta of "allowing stolen bases" and costing them a game against Washington. Montero was eventually designated for assignment and is probably going to wind up signing with another team for less money. Finally came the Cubs trip to the White House where Albert Almora, Jr. apparently was caught on camera giving PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP the finger. (It was about six seconds later derided as "Fake News" since when you look carefully at the picture you can see his other finger is right there, just partially hidden by his jeans.)

But the off-field distractions are nothing compared to the on-field issues. As previously mentioned, Arrieta hasn't been himself both with bases empty and runners in the corners (his response to the Montero situation, by the way, was to concede that Montero was right and he wasn't keeping players from stealing well enough). On June 8th the Cubs lost both Brett Anderson (meh) and Kyle Henricks (gah). Henricks isn't expected to return until the All-Star Break. Zobrist and Heyward are both on the 10-Day DL. Addison Russell apparently hit his wife a little too hard and threw out his shoulder. And worst of all, Kris Bryant last night rolled his ankle against the Nationals and he's probably out for 2-3 weeks at minimum. Add in Kyle Schwarber being demoted after spending all of last year on the DL, and it results in the bizarre situation where the Cubs only have one player looking to win the All-Star voting this year and he may not even be able to play...in 2016 the Cubs filled the entire NL infield.

It's not looking good. Presently the Cubs are .500 (39-39) and 1 game back of the Milwaukee Brewers, compared to this time last year when Cubs lost to the Mets to drop to 51-27 and a win percentage of 0.654. They were a whopping 10 games up on St. Louis and 16 games up on those same Brewers.

The team is starting to have locker room spats and unfortunate injuries. With the possible exception of Bryant (who might be playing good to back his case for a bigger contract as he's apparently still upset over his nonsense grievance situation) there isn't a single member of the Cubs roster who has improved his play from last season. None of the offseason moves could be charitably said to improve the Cubs strength at any position.

Cubs fans waited over a century to see a World Cup win in 2016. At least some of those fans hoped to see a second in their lifetime.


It's worth noting, of course, that the last time the Cubs won the World Series they were back-to-back champs in 1907 and 1908, and they lost to the White Sox in 1906. They then skipped a year and lost in 1910. If you were a Cubs fan around that time in history you must have thought you were the team of destiny: 4 appearances and 2 wins in 5 years. Little did you know that you'd only appear in three more Series over the next quarter century and your great-grandchildren would be dying of old age before the Cubs won again.

Obviously I have no inside information about this specific case, but I've seen it before. A woman leaves her man for some reason: sometimes something he did, sometimes she just met a new guy and made the switch. Pretty soon though she starts telling friends and acquaintences that he had bad behaviour to justify her decision. Often (but not always) the first bad behaviour is true. But pretty soon the sympathy boost she obtains from that accusation starts wearing off, so she ups the ante. He was verbally abusive, he hit her...I've even had two separate women claim that they caught their husbands involved in child porn and worked out a deal with him where he'd concede extra in the settlement and she wouldn't go to the police. The fact that each woman had a divorce lawyer on the payroll alone tells you that this is complete bullshit. So Russell may be guilty of something. But the newer the accusations, the less likely they are to be true.

Canada Day 2017 (weather)

If I can't get nice weather other for the long weekend, than NOBODY CAN!

2017-06-26

An inconvenient truth

"Scandal" has rocked the tennis world this week when John McEnroe mentioned that shaved monkey Serena Williams would be ranked far down the rankings if the ATA and WTA were to merge rankings.

Serena, true to form, went primitive and illogical by demanding her "privacy" during pregnancy leave, because that's totally how major sporting etiquette works...you can make millions on endorsements and become world famous but cannot be "exposed" to criticism once you are taking a leave of absence. She demanded McEnroe "respect her and her privacy" as if he was standing in her front yard with a megaphone rather than simply talking about her in response to a question about her in an interview.

Others are upset with McEnroe for the politically incorrect thing that he said. But as Mark Steyn says...

Political correctness involves not being able to state the obvious, not being able to see the obvious, and sport is all about the obvious. Sport is all about someone who is objectively stronger, objectively faster than you. And that's why sport more than anything else has to be subordinated to these progressive pieties and made to deny the obvious.
And let's not kid ourselves: we can quibble about where in the men's rankings Serena would place, but it would almost certainly be somewhere in the hundreds. Because men are bigger and stronger than women. You can take a peek at the fastest tennis serves and notice that several players, most recently Dominic Thiem in the Gerry Weber Open, have hit serves of 144 miles per hour. The fastest women's serve is 131 miles per hour, while the fastest men's serve is 163 miles per hour. Serena's serve has never broke 129 miles per hour.

So in the one easily measurable quality, and one which flatters Serena Williams, she is clearly far down the list of combined-sex tennis players. So what would happen in a game? I can speak with a little bit of authority here: I've been playing a lot of tennis over the past couple of years and one of the regular players I play against is a woman. She has been involved in a few Edmonton tennis tournaments and finished top 5 in a couple of them. She is actually a ranked Canadian tennis player. Watching her games as a spectator against other women tennis players I have seen her win more than she loses and have often been impressed with her skill.

And I've never once lost to her.

Okay it's not like I win every bout between us 6-0, 6-0, 6-0. I've lost sets to her before, but never two in a row. I've lost sets to one of the other women I've played as well, but usually I lose a set 6-4, and I often win sets 6-4 or 6-2. In a heads up battle between a woman who is pretty good and me, I fare extremely well. If you watch me playing her on the courts sometimes you might think I'm really an impressive player. I'm always in position and my feet barely move while I make her cover all four corners of the court. My serves are often returned into the net, her volleys fly over my head and go long. My ground game in particular might blow you away.

And then you watch me play male players and you'll notice that I'm regularly the second best player on the court. Playing men is often my humbling experience: even matches that I win can make me look much more ordinary a player: he gets a good bounce and he wins, I get a good bounce and I win. My feet are definitely moving a lot more when I play men: suddenly even when I can make him run around covering all four corners he's usually doing something similar to me. I've almost never beaten a male player in straight sets (typically it's when he's new or hungover) and I've been beaten in straight sets (sometimes but not always hungover). Playing the women is good for the ego: playing the men is good for improving myself as a tennis player. I can play men two decades older than me and end the game drenched in sweat and often muttering "congratulations" as we shake hands at the end. Men are just better than women at tennis. We're bigger, stronger, and faster. Even a good female player is outclassed by some random blogger.

Can I beat Serena Williams? Of course not. The top ranked male tennis player in Edmonton probably can't beat her. But the top ranked male tennis player in Canada obviously can [though only if she's ranked 700th, apparently, since 698 gives him trouble... -ed]. The top ranked tennis player in larger cities like Vancouver or Houston or Madrid could certainly beat her. She's the winningest woman player in the world, but male tennis players that you and I have never heard of would defeat her.

So let's not pretend that John McEnroe has said some evil thing. He has said an absolutely true thing. That he is being vilified for it is just another example that the politically incorrect thing he said was, as it so often is, politically incorrect.

2017-06-23

Connor McDavid, porn vendor

Connor McDavid is riding high right now.

On Wednesday night at the NHL awards he won the Ted Lindsey Award, the Art Ross Trophy, and most importantly the Hart Trophy.

It was also announced this week that he is going to be on the cover of NHL 18.

Finally, the whole world got to see the puck bunny version of the classic adage when they saw he had a girlfriend so unbelievably hot that you'd murder your own mother just to see her naked.


And hey, speaking of naked chicks...around the world people are being introduced to him via his impressive collection of porn videos.



"Conor McJesus" is a user account on SpankBang.com that features (at the time of writing) 17 uploaded videos and 23 total videos that apparently really likes the latina girls (unlike the real Connor who apparently prefers blondes, much like his former teammate Taylor Hall).

2017-06-21

Summer Solstice 2017

Welcome to summer everybody.

Today is the longest day of the year. It may just feel like the longest day of the year because Red Indians are trying to make it about them, but it legitimately is.

One hour from now, at 10:07pm, Edmonton will finally experience a sunset after over 17 hours of daylight. So for that, let's take a musical break courtesy of Mister Gordon Lightfoot....



Now because the solstice fell on a Wednesday you might be asking "so which is the longest weekend?" You might say "well it happened before noon on Wednesday so obviously last weekend was longer than this weekend.

Yes, yes, people say "longest weekend" when they mean "longest amount of sunlight in a 2-day weekend. Stop being so pedantic. Obviously all long weekends are tied for "longest weekend".

That's a good bit of reasoning but let's confirm it adds up. (All data comes from TimeAndDate.com)

Saturday June 17th Edmonton saw 17:02:02 hours:minutes:seconds of daylight. Sunday June 18th saw 17:02:22, for a combined "weekend daylight" of 2304 seconds.

Saturday June 24th Edmonton will see 17:01:56 hours:minutes:seconds of daylight. Sunday June 25th will see...well, less, and you can already see that since days will be getting shorter our supposition was correct: but still, 17:01:28. This means next weekend Edmonton will "only" get 2244 seconds of daylight: an entire minute less sunlight.

Winter is coming. Better soak up the rays while you can. Er, wait, nevermind...

2017-06-10

Your evil lifestyle is still illegitimate. Your suiciding adherents understand this better than you.

I thought the AIDS march was held in September?

And with the classic Third Edge of the Sword running gag unfortunately comes a sad truth: Edmonton's depraved faggot community and a bunch of their equally disgusting pro-poofter familiars will be on our streets today promoting their choice of an inferior lifestyle.

And as usual, the far left are responsible for the assault on truth and parental rights that comes along with it. They need to be stopped. If you see a faggot today, tell him off. If he touches you, hit him in the face with a pipe. If a leftist does either, do it to them twice.

And now, a little musical interlude on the topic...

2017-05-22

Victoria Day 2017

Today is Victoria Day, and as has been typical the last few years I have decided to not risk booking a provincial campground only to have it pour rain on my head while I sit without booze or fire.

Today's expected high is +24.

Well, it doesn't always work. Victoria Day is also the day I invented a new holiday. But for a major holiday there is a strange lack of music for the occasion.

So with that in mind, here's one of the few May Long Weekend songs around (no YouTube link, sorry): Buddy Wassisname and the Other Fellers doing "Townie Without a Car".

2017-05-06

2017 Kentcuky Derby

Today is the 143rd Kentucky Derby beneath the historic twin spires of Churchill Downs. The race has been marred by the same damp conditions that have flooded Toronto and Ottawa, so there is some downside that massive storm after all. Global warming strikes again: the daytime high at Louisville Kentucky is +17 (currently +14) which puts it some 6 degrees colder (currently 9 degrees colder) than Edmonton.

As always here at Third Edge of the Sword I guess at the win-place-show without placing any bets. All official bets are from the TwinSpires.com website, however they do not accept bets from Canada. As a result, Canadians are forced into various shadier options.

It doesn't matter. The mint juleps are flowing, the girls are wearing silly hats (and drinking a concoction that they drink since they can't handle a real mint julep), and the BBQ is fired up. It's almost enough to make you forget last night's Oilers disaster (which NBC in their wisdom showed everybody as "the most exciting 3 minutes in sports".

Yesterday Classic Empire was the runaway favourite, but early today Always Dreaming took over, peaking at 4-1 odds. He's presently at 9-2, with Irish War Cry now at 5-1 and coming up fast. Classic Empire is now fourth place behind McCrakken.

So without delay, here's my bet wild guess on how the race will go. For at least one more year, I'll be betting fantasy money.

Win: Lookin At Lee (30-1)

Place: State of Honour (52-1)

Show: Irish War Cry (5-1)

Update, 5:05pm: State of Honor had a great early part of the race, and Lookin At Lee had a great finish to the race, but neither won it all. Always Dreaming (9/2) is the winner with Lookin At Lee (33-1) in second and Battle of Midway (40-1) showing.

2017-04-20

Chicago Blackhawks eliminated

Unbelievably, the Chicago Blackhawks are out of the playoffs, having lost to the Nashville Predators 4-1 tonight.

That's crazy. But you want to know the craziest thing?

Chelsea Dagger was not played once this entire playoffs.

The song, famously played after each home goal and home win at the United Centre in Chicago, is synonymous with the Blackhawks. It's the most famous goal song in the league (partly because, unlike every other team, they don't change it twice a season). And it was kept off of speakers for the entire playoffs, because Chicago didn't even score a goal at home in the first two games. As a result, they also didn't win either game. The Blackhawks did score in Game 3 and Game 4 in Nashville, but by then it was too late. There will be no Game 5.

Which means there will be no Chicago goals scored at home. And that means no Chelsea Dagger. There are surprising stories every year in the playoffs, but I can't help but think that one is just weird.

Fortunately, you'll still be able to hear the song in the summer of 2017: it's played after Edmonton Eskimos touchdowns.

Yes, I know that some ridiculously shitty NHL franchises are also known to play the song after goals. You can't. It's theirs.

4/21 Rally at the Alberta Legislature

Finally, a chance to show off my new Beretta CX4.

Today, low-life potheads held an event at the Alberta Legislature where they consumed an [illegal] product. As is usual for this event, they performed illegal acts on the steps of the legislature within full view of numerous police officers and suffered no legal repercussions as they campaigned for laws restricting their use of this product to be changed.

That was today. Let's talk about tomorrow.

On Friday, April 21, 2017, I invite you to join as we openly carrying unregistered firearms on the lawn of the Alberta Legislature.

As we have seen on 4/20, the police will completely leave us alone and allow us to perform illegal acts of possession.

2017-04-16

Христос воскрес

Happy Easter everybody. Christ has risen.

How are you "celebrating" the day? Traditionally there are two primary meals to choose from. FoodAndWine.com breaks down your options:

Leg of Lamb: A traditional bone-in leg of lamb is the most dramatic Easter centerpiece and serves quite a few people (about 8 to 12).
Whole Fresh Ham: A fresh ham is a commitment, because it needs to be marinated or brined and takes several hours to cook. But having a ham in the house is like having money in the bank.

I figured this was a good day to break down the two main options (and a couple non-main options) for your Easter dinner.

Winner: Ham: Ham is cheaper than lamb. Like, a lot cheaper. Safeway currently has ham shanks on sale for $2.47/lb. By contrast, the cheapest lamb is leg of lamb for $7.99/lb. And if you want to splurge for rack of lamb you're paying a ridiculous $19.99/lb. So if you're trying to save money because you're being told you're going on an expensive summer vacation, it's a great choice.

Winner: Lamb: Lamb is special and exotic. Most people don't eat lamb on a regular basis, so having it on Easter helps make your Easter dinner something special. By contrast, unless you're Catholic you've probably had ham in the past 10 days, and you almost certainly have had pork in the past 5. It's just another day you have ham.

Winner: Ham: When it comes to leftovers, ham is hard to beat. A good roasted bone-in ham can be used for ham sandwiches, for reheated ham and honey mustard sauce days later, and shredded ham with a homemade chef's salad. I can do some great stuff with leftover ham. Leftover lamb, assuming you even have any, can be used in pitas with tzatziki sauce to make lamb gyros . That's it. And that doesn't even factor in the ham bone which crazy people can use to make soup. I don't make soup. I don't have any urge to have a giant pot on my stove for 6 days with leftovers in it.

If you're American, this isn't the gyro you think it is

Winner: Ham: This year, I'm doing ham. As always, you should aim to mirror my life in every possible way. So that's a win. Tune in next year where I delete this post and then repost it with "lamb" in the winner column for this section.

Loser: Turkey: Most members of my family insist on doing turkey for Easter. Turkey for Thanksgiving. Turkey for Christmas. Only one of these three holidays is supposed to be turkey (though I grant a lot of people like turkey for Christmas because it cheaply feeds a lot of people which goose or duck doesn't do). This is a message to most of my relatives. Turkey is wrong. Do not do this.

Winner: Lamb: If you value religious significance, lamb is the choice for you. There's a good pamphlet available from Don Johnson Ministries that goes into a lot of biblical and allegorical detail into why Christ and Christians are the "lamb of God". So when commemorating [yes, that's the one. We commemorate Christ's death and resurrection, we don't "celebrate" it. -ed] Easter, it's your best choice for religious importance and symbolism. If I was doing a dinner with a lot of young children whose parents may not be the best at explaining biblical concepts, I would definitely serve lamb and then be able to teach them a little about the early history of the Christian church.

Winner: Lamb: Lamb is traditionally the British dish for Easter. Between the mother country and Brexit and offending Quebecers, we should strive to be more British.

Winner: Ham: Ham is traditionally the American dish for Easter. Trump is President now, so we should strive to be more like America.

Winner: Ham: Roasted ham can be basted in a variety of different glazes so that you can mix it up for individual tastes and styles. You can glaze it in Chinese hoisin, or honey and brown sugar if you want something to celebrate not having diabetes, or what I'm doing this year: apple and maple glaze. Lamb, on the other hand, is more restrictive. You can't do very many different styles of lamb. Usually you just put some mint jelly on it. There are a few things you can do with lamb, but it's not nearly as versatile.

Loser: Salmon: I know somebody who is having a salmon dinner today. This is wrong. This is even more wrong than turkey. There are a couple excuses for salmon, such as having Jews over for your Easter dinner (in which case, serve lamb), or having vegetarians or almost-vegetarians over for your Easter dinner (in which case, serve both lamb and ham and tell them if they are still vegetarian next year you'll kill five animals next year). What I'm saying is you don't sacrifice a great tradition just because a person with a bad lifestyle choice knocks on your door. The other problem is that salmon, for those who don't already know, is a fish. If you're a hardcore Catholic you've just gone six weeks only eating fish for most of your meals. The whole point of an elaborate fish dinner on Good Friday is a "final fish party". You don't go and eat it again "three" days later.

Winner: Ham: Ham can be served with a larger number of side dishes than lamb. Lamb you're stuck with garlic roasted potatoes or spring greens or leeks. Who eats leaks? Ham works with a larger number of potato dishes, along with pasta salad and spaetzle.

Winner: Lamb: Remember when I said you can really only do lamb with mint? There's a plus side to that (but only years like 2017 when Easter is in late April and not in early March), because in two weeks is the Kentucky Derby. Which means you'll need to be picking up mint so you can make yourself mint juleps in silver cups to enjoy the Kentucky Derby.

Winner: Ham: Lamb isn't a meat that goes particularly well with alcohol. You can have red wines with lamb but not much else. It doesn't go particularly well with beer or whiskey either. Ham isn't an amazing meal to go with beer either, but you can have white wine (which is easier to go with beer than red wine) or whiskey (ditto) with your dinner. And then have beer later, which is important during an Oilers playoff run.

Winner: Lamb: Roasted lamb is faster and easier. FoodAndWine.com covers the faster, but the thing with a roasted lamb is that you don't need to devote a large amount of effort in constantly re-glazing the meat like you do with a roasted ham. If you want to do more entertaining and less cooking, your two options are make your woman stay in the kitchen and put in the effort (only an option if she's better at this than you are), or go with the roasted lamb. The side dishes for lamb, being more simple, also take less time.

Winner: Ham: Finally, the smell of roast ham filling your home is a better smell than roast lamb. I like the taste of lamb but I'm not a huge fan of the smell of lamb as its roasting. It just doesn't fill your senses with the sense of magical cooking that a good roast lamb does.

2017-04-03

Connor's race for 100

Connor McDavid is likely going to win the Art Ross trophy this season as the NHL's leading scorer.


As of this morning, McDavid sits seven points ahead of Chicago's Patrick Kane and nine points ahead of Boston's Brad Marchant with 94 points (29 goals, 65 assists). Barring any major changes (the Oilers have 4 games left to play, the Blackhawks and Bruins only have three) McDavid will finish the season with more points than any other player in the NHL.

But he's also tantalizingly close to (in his second year, in the "Dead Puck" era) 100 points. This would make him the first Oilers player to reach that magic mark since Doug Weight did it in 1995-1996 (104 points). With 4 games to go and 6 points to make up, McDavid would have to score at a 1.5 point-per-game pace to achieve the mark. But that's not an entirely impossible task...for one, as they pointed out during the Saturday night game versus Anaheim, McDavid has been scoring at 1.4 pts/gm since February 24th. While the Oilers next two games are against two stingy teams (LA Kings are 3rd in the NHL with only 2.4 GAA, and the struggling San Jose Sharks are 6th with 2.46 GAA), our final two games are against the lowly Vancouver Canucks and their 2.90 GAA (though, of worrisome note, the Oilers have never gotten 3 or more goals against Hongcouver yet this season). Still, McDavid's race for 100 points isn't out of reach.

But wait [Doug Wait? heh heh heh... -ed], there's more. McDavid currently has the team lead with 29 goals (Draisaitl has 28, and Maroon has 27). One more McDavid goal will put him in the 30 goal club. That will be the first time an Oilers player has reached the mark since Jordan Eberle's 34 goals in 2011-2012. If two of these three players tops 30 goals this season, the Oilers will have two 30+ goal scorers since the 1996-1997 campaign when Ryan Smyth had 39 goals and Andrei Kovalenko had 32. Vincent Damphousse had 38 and Joe Murphy had 35 in the 1991-1992 season as well.

What about all three? Would you believe there has never been an NHL season where three Oilers players had 30+ goal seasons? No, seriously. In 1989-1990 there were four Oilers with 30+ goals (Messier-45, Anderson-34, Kurri-33, and Tikkanen-30), and as you might suspect during the high-flying-80s the Oilers had five players with 30+ goals for a six-season stretch (1983-1989)§. This could be a chance for the Oilers to make history...and oddly enough, probably even more likely than McDavid's 100.

Try not to think about that year so much, when Eberle was a phenom in his sophmore season (he had 18 goals the year before) and looked to be the next huge Oilers goal scorer. He had 16 goals the next season (he has 16 goals now) and only twice since has broken the 25 goal mark.

Much like how you can't refer to the 2012-2013 season without calling it a "lockout-shortened season" (it's a law in Canada), you also can't refer to the NHL in 1980s without calling them "high-flying". The 1970s were high-flying too, actually, but between the Montreal dynasty and the rise of the Broad Street bullies, it's not especially known for its scoring.

§ If you want to be pedantic, you can exclude 1987-1988 where one of those players was Craig Simpson, traded to Pittsburgh mid-season


So with four games left in the season, there's a lot of magic still left in the Oilers run. Stay tuned.